they'll have to go through you first

[regenerated]

Why it mattered, Claire couldn't say, but the bulletin board had made her restless in the past few days, more so even than months past. Ideally, she would have considered it simple proof of the fact that, willing or otherwise, she was starting to assimilate into island life, caring so much for her fellow citizens that having the ideal five overseeing the group was of utmost importance to her. But Claire knew that wasn't it— no matter how many friends she had on the island, if crisis truly stuck, she could think of upwards of a dozen people who would be able to save them all. Superheroes, in her mind, more than a personal savior or someone with remarkable strength of will, but instead people with the very experience of facing crisis after crisis.

If the sky really did start to fall, there were people to keep it standing.

Yet this time, it was Peter who stole the majority of Claire's worries and attention, a part of her wishing that the island would at least give a nod to all of the accomplishments he'd managed, rather than taking too long to forgive a speech given heated, in the moment, too soon after Mary Jane's departure. Which one of them hadn't screamed, cried, torn themselves apart over a departure?

But those in the spotlight always had more consequences to suffer from it.

She'd managed to calm herself that morning by another round of rock diving, new bruises joining a few of the old, wherever water had made more impact than ideal, or wherever she tripped on any of the hikes she'd been pushing herself on as of late. Hair still damp, she paused on her usual way back to the Compound, before deciding to stay out longer on the beach. Laying out a large towel, she exhaled softly as she sat down, quickly burying her feet into the sand. There was so much happening, she thought to herself. Yet, she seemed incapable of getting her hands in it all. An unusual turn of events.

Comments

[noonelaughed]

Things are pretty weird, there's no question about it. And not just weird because Chris's entire Lady Gaga costume tried to eat him at Tony's party a few days ago, but because of other stuff too. And when Chris thinks about it, a big part of why things have been weird are because of who he's found on the beach today.

There's a moment after Chris sees her where he considers maybe just turning round again. They haven't talked in what seems like ages, and maybe they'd just be better off if it stayed that way. Maybe she'd be better off, at least. So even as he walks over, he's not sure why he's doing it, except maybe because he's never been one to just give up on the people he loves.

And Claire still counts.

"Is this seat taken?" he asks Claire, gesturing toward the sand instead of just taking a seat next to her.

[regenerated]

Her gaze just starts to drift into the distance, where the water rises in waves, constant and chaotic all at once, the foam lightly spreading across the shore in countless, tiny bubbles that she can practically feel from a distance, tickling her skin. And in that moment, calm and serene, Claire feels that she might just forget everything for a minute. Let it all go, her stresses and fears, her worries, and spend a minute being glad for simply living at all. The island isn't a place where Claire wants to be for the rest of her years, but spending too much time lamenting over that fact will only waste more of her time, in the end.

As though to prove her point, she's shaken out of her reverie from a familiar voice to the side; glancing up, she can't help the slight look of surprise that passes over her face. She's assumed that they were avoiding each other, told Maxxie to do his best in watching out for Chris, and, well.

In hindsight, it seems silly to have expected to go without seeing him again, given the small size of the population.

"Nope," she shakes her head, offering a small smile as she tilts her head towards the spot next to her. "It's kind of a free-for-all, you know. Free island and all that."

[noonelaughed]

He sinks down onto the sand next to her, folding his legs as he buries his hands in the sand on either side of him.

"So what, just gettin' some sun?" he asks, though he knows it's bollocks conversation. It's the kind of stuff people say to each other when they don't know what to say otherwise. It's bullshit that this is how he talks to her now.

"Figured you would have gotten loads of that already."

[regenerated]

There's something achingly familiar about having Chris sit down right next to Claire, although the moment feels tense as well. Too self-aware, perhaps. Things between them had always been easy before, because there simply wasn't any thought to it, because they could talk about the most impossible of subjects and lose hours in it all. But ever since the truth came spilling out about both of them and their worlds, somehow the closest of steps started feeling divided by a sharp ravine.

She's not sure anything's worked to patch it up just yet.

"Actually, I kind of went rock diving earlier," Claire replies, leaning to the side and squeezing more water out of her hair for emphasis. "Been trying some surfing, too. And scuba diving. Seems like there are a lot of people who've been on the island longer, and they really know... how to make the most of it. I guess I figured that I can't really afford to waste time."

[noonelaughed]

"You should have said," Chris replies, "I would have gone along."

Though, he's pretty sure all that was on purpose. They used to do stuff all the time, and now he never even knows what's going on with her. He didn't even know that she'd tried surfing. Mostly, he's just been hanging about with Maxxie or Cassie or Olive, and except for on bonfire night, none of them have talked all that much about what's going on between him and Claire.

It feels like he's fucked up, like what happened with Jal back home during that one party, only he can't figure out just what he's done wrong this time.

"Claire, what's going on? With us, I mean?"

[regenerated]

The air leaves her lungs in a sudden breath, and Claire finds herself hesitating, unsure if this is the right time to talk. Unsure if this is the right place. And, above all, she feels muted surprise— she's never asked, but somehow, the fact that they started dating without announcing it to the world means that it should be natural for them to fall apart just as quietly. Right?

Apparently not.

"Chris, I..." she takes a wavering breath, brows furrowing deeply as she rubs her palm roughly against the back of her neck, eyes burning with the effort it takes not to cry. She can't, in this case. She has to be the strong one, because if she breaks down for something like this, asks comfort of him, it'd be ten times as unfair as anything she's asked of him up until now. "Chris, I don't really think that there's an us... like that. I don't think we have a chance. We're just. Too different to be anything other than friends."

[noonelaughed]

In some ways, Chris has been waiting for Claire to just come out and say it. Because it's been ages since they've properly hung out, since he felt like she actually wanted to talk to him or just do whatever like before.

But it's never as easy as all that, at least not for Chris. He knows enough about how people can say one thing and mean another; he's done it, after all.

"See, I think that's bollocks," Chris says, after a long moment, and he pulls his hands out of the sand to look at them and clap them together and dust them off as he speaks, "Because that night... at the camp, Claire, we couldn't lie. You wanted me to pick, and I picked. So you can't tell me that was nothing."

[regenerated]

"Chris, I know," she says, and for a moment, there's something dark in her expression and tone alike, cast there by thoughts that have swirled through her head on many an occasion. The choice itself isn't being made in the spur of a moment, Claire reminds herself— she's had weeks to turn back, to apologize and try to make up, but the fact that there's just not enough desire on her end to do so already speaks volumes. "I know, okay? I know that I was an absolute... grade A bitch for making you choose. And I know you were being honest. I'm not saying that, like, you don't care about me, or that I don't care about you— god, I'm pretty sure that the both of us love each other, and that isn't going to change, it's just."

Exhaling, she shakes her head, eyes falling to a close as she raises a hand to her forehead and presses it there, trying to sort out the words.

"It happens, right? Break-ups aren't unusual. The way that I forced this to start is... totally unforgivable. I know that. I'm still beating myself up for it. But that doesn't really change the fact that I still don't think we're really right for each other. I thought that maybe— that maybe I was just being too uptight about things, but the truth is that we just don't have anything in common."

[noonelaughed]

"So how the fuck's that make sense?" Chris asks, and though there's no hostility in his tone, there's a slight edge to it, something just on the cusp of annoyance and hurt but not quite there just yet. "I love you and you love me, but we can't be together just cos you don't like to go to parties."

How they'd started off, that'd never mattered to Chris. It was like Cassie'd told him once, you weren't supposed to keep secrets from people you cared about. They'd started with everything right out there in the open, hadn't they?

[regenerated]

Her brows raise in complete disbelief, triggered by both the sharp tone of his voice and the accusation that he throws her way, oversimplified. If anything, it only solidifies the belief in her mind that this has been needed, that she can't stay in a romantic relationship by someone who never seems to understand. The more she's been out with her other friends, the more she's run around to see the whole of the island in all of its beauty, the more she knows that his lifestyle isn't for her. She can't stay calm, she can't remain in one place, and most of all, she just feels uncomfortable watching everyone else throw themselves away with such abandon. It isn't only about altered judgment. It's about the addiction, the way that this takes a toll on their bodies, the way that for all that she's been immortal before, her mortality on the island reminds her that even an addiction to pot might curtail what she gains from the island. From her friends.

But the problem runs deeper than his hobbies, and along the lines of how overlooked her emotions seem to be.

"Chris, stop," she says, quiet. "You keep on saying that my feelings don't make sense. That, like, I need a new start, or that I should try new things— Chris, I tried. You can blame me all you want, but it's just not working for me. It's not that what we said at the fire didn't mean anything, it's that we've learned more about each other since then, and it's just— I can't do this. And if you think it's just about parties then... yeah, this has to end."

[noonelaughed]

"No, not it's not just-- of course it's not just about parties," Chris says, because somehow she's gotten it all wrong here. He and Jal... there was loads that they didn't have in common. Even just with his mates, there are things that not all of them like. But when you love someone, none of that matters. That's how it's supposed to work, if it's right. That's how things are supposed to go, because when you love someone, there's nothing that's gonna keep you from them.

He's quiet for a long moment, then, frowning as he realizes that he's having to make himself look at her instead of down at the sand or out at the sea instead.

"This isn't how it's supposed to work, when you love someone."

That's the bottom line, here. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Even with Angie, it was better than this, and suddenly, he just wants to get up and leave.

[regenerated]

Whether or not he's intended to drop that guilt on her chest, Claire doesn't know. All that she feels is that suddenly, the weight of it is crushing. But as hot as her eyes burn right now, she refuses to let the tears fall, refuses to change her mind, refuses to beg forgiveness— because in something like this, there's just no point. She shouldn't have to think herself in the wrong for feeling the way she does, as he shouldn't be reprimanded for his notion of love, one which presumably has less friction, one where love is a notion that blankets over all. Claire knows that she doesn't want that. She knows, from finding out her father has lied, repeatedly, that love can't always be enough. A love that has to compromise every step of the way isn't the love that she's dreamed of.

How much does he really know about her?

How much does he really love her, and not the notion of what she might provide in his life? That's the question that Claire knows she doesn't want answered anymore, to make this harder than it has to be.

"I guess not," she replies, even though she isn't sure if it's true. This feels a whole lot like the love she's known in her life. Trials. Tribulations. Hurt. Who hasn't brought that into her life?

This is exactly how love's supposed to work, she suspects.

[noonelaughed]

"I'm.. just gonna go, yeah?" Chris says, convinced it's probably for the best. Because Claire's obviously made up her mind here. All he can do is tell her again that he loves her, and listen to her talk about love like it means fucking nothing. Maybe it's cause they come from different places, though somehow, it feels like more than that. But she's put up a wall now and he's left without a sledgehammer.

He can't think of much he wouldn't do, but there's nothing he can do. It's fucked and it's wrong and so many other things all at once.

Chris stands, brushing the sand off his shorts with his hands. Halfway up, he starts to lean over to kiss her on the cheek, then thinks better of it. She'll probably pull away anyway, if he tries it. Somehow, that's worse than not doing it at all.

"I'll see you around."

[regenerated]

"Don't be a stranger," she manages to say before he pulls entirely away, eyes quickly darting up, not knowing if they'll find his at all. But those words, at least, are honest. Because whether or not she's willing to put herself in the position of loving someone in that way when their paths seem to so naturally diverge, it doesn't change the fact that she loves him. She loves Chris as a friend, as someone she can't imagine abandoning in a million years, and it's just on her now to figure out how exactly to climb over the hurdle now, there's a laugh that doesn't dare escape her lips right now, thinking of her parents, and how she's felt that same strain between them at times, lately. Whenever they fight. Whenever the floorboards start to creak.

So her shoulders slump, and her hands rest in her lap, before she hurriedly raises a hand to wipe at the corner of her eye before her tears spill over too noticeably.